BEYOND DOUBT
One cannot claim to know much if all they know is all they know. There is plenty about, rich in depth and in flavor. Same goes for genetics and family life.
I don’t know much about everyone else, my interactions with families have been pretty intact with my own. We are plenty but still of the same roots. Behavior. Looks. Thoughts. Get the drift. I come from a long line of curvy women, beautiful and smart too. The legs are to die for! Sassy is the attitude and boy do their remarks bite. In all this, I have come to learn some things and desired to unlearn others.
One, the curvy-ness is a result of DNA and terrible lifestyle. To say the least, they do love to lounge. Yes, they are busy bodies, capable of conducting their inherent hyperactivity into a million and one uses; yet they love to lounge. And drink their milk teas, all day any day. I have seen this with my mother, her cousins and their mothers, and my grandmother and her sisters as well…the list goes on. There are deeper reasons to this but do hold onto that thought…
These women are loud and seen. The light skin is a giveaway, they cannot be hidden nor suppressed. They are outspoken, surefooted and downright stubborn. But aren’t all women like this? I don’t know, not really …I have met subdued women who barely know their own names. My lineage, at least the maternal, is not made up of this. I observe my sisters and I, it’s still the same. Maybe because a sorority of girls simply creates this space where we can be our selves and feel safe.
They are hardworking, in spite of the lounge-soirée. They put their heads to something and get it done. What must be done will in fact get done because they do it themselves. Driven and accountable, they just keep going and going …I love it! I love this. Did I say that they are beautiful women!?
Now, remember that thought …here goes. Something odd happens through the generations. These women can be said to be goddesses by their own rights. I have seen these women do and accomplish marvelous things. What I have not seen is belief in their own self.
They do not do things because they know they can but because it has to get done and no one else will do it. They do not work hard because they have dreams to accomplish but because the family needs to get fed and no one will do it. They are not outspoken because they defend their beliefs, they speak up because someone needs to push the other to get things done. They are sure-footed but not confident. They are potent but not esteemed. They are daring but not brave.
We, their offspring, are fed educated clothed by these women and sometimes, rather often times, single handedly. They do get married but for whatever reason they are attracted to men without manliness in them. The sort of men their fathers were. The cycle keeps going on and on. I learnt my masculinity from my own mother, just as she did from her own mother. And even I have found myself in many a toxic attraction, including my own son’s sire.
My lineage is full of powerful women who know not their own worth. Just like myself, they have suffered from the lack of self-knowledge, self-worthiness and self-acknowledgement. It’s sad. They die sad and angry; from lifestyle diseases (yes, throat and breast cancer seem to be a thing) and spend a lifetime being overweight. They self-medicate with foods and sugars, just as I have for years now, waiting for a savior to come. They never arrive. The irony is how they go around saving and cleaning up after others. Bitterness is due.
I looked up at my mother, who I admire with my wholeness and the thought crossed my mind, “I do not want to be like my mother”. Sad.
Yet I have always wanted to be like my mother: she is beautiful, super smart, incredibly kind and potently capable. She has moved mountains time and time again. What I meant rather is that I do not want to be victimized like my mothers. And sisters. I want to be everything that they are and more. To build on the plenty availed to me by DNA. To be self-aware and self-confident. Command attention and respect. Be beautiful and own it. Have my smarts and use it. Be outspoken and have a cause. Be powerful and full of purpose.
Yes, there is such a thing as a familial curse. This is not about some witching but about behavior. Taught and learnt behavior. Yes, they can be broken. Not so much by prayer but rather lifestyle change. Awareness and cognitive behavioral therapy. Yes, we can change the fate of an entire lineage just by bringing awareness into the little, small things about ourselves and others. This is in essence healing. If you are spiritually cognizant right now, whether you like it or not, this is our biggest purpose in this time and age. The redemption of our people.
