DARK NIGHTS AND AWAKENING, OR NOT…
It’s been quite a while since experiencing the ‘awakening’. When, rather as it happened, it felt exquisite. Realizing that there is more to life than the mundane and extra mundane, all these new discoveries about the physical and metaphysical world we live in. Of course, the dark night of the soul happened and what a misery. I have gone full circles and then some. Here I Am, not the fullest of who I could ever be yet the fullest now. This is enough, knowing that I shall go on to be more and above, maybe even below, anything I was raised to think there was.
What I have found ironic over the years, is how this so-called dark night of the soul came to be. How odd it is to wake up one day and this gloom of darkness is hanging over you. The very ground seems to have opened up, ready to swallow you into an endless abyss of sadness, misery and pain. It never stops, just keeps at it no matter how hard you try to outrun it.
On awakening, I had little knowledge of what it was. It felt like this never-ending despair that could not be shaken off. Let’s not even begin on the anxiety and fear, the worry and desperation. It sucked, literally and figuratively. At that point, I was looking online for everything and anything spiritual. That’s when I came across this term Dark Night of the Soul. It sounded really fancy and the thought of myself experiencing one was rather cool and intriguing. It made me feel special. But that was just the onset.
Quick recap, look up in the spiritual community and you’ll find a common term Twin Flame. Online, it has been made into some fairytale romance affair. I, having experienced it, will tell you it’s nothing like the Cinderella godmothered tale everyone wants it to be. It is harsh, but to say the least, to have someone mirror back all of yourself. It is lovely really were it just the shine and blitz but there’s the wounds, scars and ghosts we all carry. Then, sh*t hits the roof and you must face yourself, clean yourself up and all that. It is far from being a fairytale romance but it does wonders for spiritual growth. This is how I found myself forced awake.
So now, this darkness became darker and the gloom gloomier. I remember the never-ending pain, the ceaseless anxiety, the hours of desperation and even worse, the aloneness. This is something happening to you and you alone. No one else knows or understands what is happening, how hard waking up is or just how much you are trying to just show up in life. It sucks and that is majorly an understatement. It has been years since the worst of it yet the pain and ache somehow still linger. I still feel them, from time to time, like a reminder that the sleep of the undead is still a possibility.
Looking back at this experience, I realize how the misery did not begin with the awakening but I awakened to it. As I awakened to the Spirit World and the many things I, a Man am capable of, so did I awaken to the misery and pain. How sad, that it had been with me all my life and I barely realized it. Then I awakened and there was nowhere to hide or anything that could be hidden. Every form of brokenness experienced, every form of misplaced identity created and the experiences they attracted, all walked with me. I had learnt to ignore it, turn a blind eye and pretend it did not exist. Actually, I was acclimatized to it. There was nowhere to hide anymore, so suddenly.
And as the Light was turned on bright, the Darkness had nowhere to hide. It came in through me and had to leave the same way, through me. I had to wakefully experience the passing through of each and every shadow, the misery that created it and the identity it created in me.
I thought back to all the terrible things happening on this earth, that have happened and will go on to happen, how not every Man awakes. Some just keep walking with these broken-nesses, thinking they are ok and allowed. Therefore, they allow them to live on in them: sometimes the broken-nesses find ways out and sometimes take over altogether. I thought back to all those who suffer what we so gleefully term Mental Illnesses, how terrible it felt for that very short time in my life and how they have to live like this. I thought back to those who never get past the Dark Night of the Soul. For them, this is not just a short passage that leads to healing and wholeness, but an eternity in which their Souls live. Some do it fully conscious, feeling everything so fully…
I know nothing of what it means to live like this, I only had a taste, a short taste. I can do no more to help. What I can do is ensure I shall not be the source of another Man’s misery. For those who wonder how they can help the world, this is more than anything. For those who wonder what they awakened for, this is the answer. Wondering what your purpose is, this is it. That while the world pains, angers and frustrates on, while the world despairs further and hates on in utter hopelessness, you shall be one person less adding to this.